Found article

I found an interesting article.  Posting the link here for now.  I want to save it somehow.  Will copy it  to here soon

"We Don’t Always End Up With The Loves Of Our Lives 

(And That’s Okay)"

Click on the Picture to go to it.  

More than one partner?

I want to expand on my non conformity. I know this will probably touch a nerve with some people. If you want to continue reading, please open your mind. I am not saying you have to be like me, or that I am right and people are wrong. I am stating my opinion, that is all.

I have been different since I can remember. I could tell you my story, but that is not practical now, that is not why we are here.

I want to talk about marriage. I cannot claim to have read the Bible cover to cover. I have read a lot of it during the years, especially when I was young and went to church.

In all that, I have not found anywhere in there where it says a woman and a man should be married. Not like marriage today, where you have to do it legally and possibly by a church you may belong to. It does say that a woman must leave her parents and join her husband. And.. that she must obey him. I think that is way outdated, sorry. I am not trying to be offensive, trust me.

I don’t think it is natural to have only one partner. I think the idea of marrying one partner is instilled by society. The government wants to have tight control over it’s people, and this is one of the ways they can do it.

Yes I believe marriage is good, and I did get married, legally and with the blessings of Jesus and my husband’s family. I did get married in a chapel the second time around; it was our choice. (That is one of the freedoms I cherish)

All I think now, is that one person cannot fulfill all of our needs. We cannot expect one man to be our everything.  Having such high expectations of another is not realistic.

I am saying that, because I cannot lean on my husband for everything. I need my friends to share things I do not share with him. Like certain conversations, dancing, and other things my hubby doesn’t care for much.

I have one friend that grew into more. I became close to this friend as soon as I met him;m when I joined the Army. (long story) He became my closest, dearest friend. He was my confidant and I was his. We had our own issues, but we were like band aids to each other. We helped each other out and listened without judgement. He held each other when our worlds were falling apart. He helped me get out of my previous marriage and let me find my way to the light. It just happened that I helped him out of his abusive marriage just a few years ago. I Didn’t do it for him; he did it all on how own, I was just here for him; like he was there for me before. I truly believe we were meant to find each other. But… I am married to a wonderful man whom I love so much.

I don’t believe that we are to love only one person. I can love them both more than life. They are amazing people, each one very different than the other, but both connect well with me. So well, that sometimes we don’t need words to understand.

I had talked with my now husband about opening our marriage long ago. We never got around to it, we didn’t need it. But when my “other” had divorced and moved out of his place, we agreed to open our marriage.

I have had long conversations with hubby through the years. He knows that I have long talks and share things with my “other” that I don’t share with him. Mostly, because he isn’t interested. I told him what we talk about, he agreed, he isn’t interested. There are things I do with one that I don’t do with the other.

This made me realize, that I am me. I am an individual! I always have been,. But if you had a relationship, you know that we “mesh” with another. You start liking what they like, so you become a little bit of them. But when you have more than one, you can identify who’s tastes are who’s more clearly. I share what I like with them, show them what I like, they show me what they like. I may or may not like it, but it is ok, it’s what makes us “us”.

When I got out of my first marriage, it took me 6 months of being by myself, to remember who I was. I was lost in a marriage that was all about “him”. I lost myself! I spent those 6 months wondering what I liked, and finding myself again. I had gotten married at 19, and was married for 10 years. I spent those years taking care of someone who refused to take care of himself. He had mental issues and a bad temper, just add that up in your head. I spent my time trying to help him get on the right meds and find the right doctors. My stupid head kept thinking. “I said for better or worse, I can’t give up on him.” Eventually I realized he gave up on himself already. You cannot help someone who refuses to help himself”.  I got out before he dragged me down with him into his depression.

Now I can be myself, independently of my hubby and my “other”. I am me!

I also know that I cannot be everything for another person. My husband may need someone else to share things that he may not be comfortable sharing with me. He may want to one day go out with someone and experience something new. I can’t be everything for him, in my opinion, that isn’t human.

I also can tell you that I love being this way. We are much more open and honest, at least in this respect. I do not feel jealous when I see him with his FWB. I feel happy, I love to see him happy with her (or anyone else). When I hear them in the living room talking and laughing, it fills my heart. I love to see him happy.

I can say I feel more protective with my “other”. Possibly because he doesn’t live nearby. I worry so much that some woman would take advantage of him. He is so sweet, loving, and kind to a fault. He will bend over backwards for strangers, and do anything for a good friend. I worry so much for him, because he would be hurt easily by someone who could just take what they want from him and leave.

I want to answer some questions people have asked us.

Q-If you are unhappy with your husband, why are you still with him?

A- Just because I have my "other", that doesn't mean I am bored with hubby, or that he isn't enough. It means that I can love more than one person, because my heart is so big.  it doesn't mean I love my husband less.  I love them both so very much.  I can say, no I don't love them the same, because they are two different people.  So I love them differently in way, not in amount.  Do you honestly thing a mother will love one of her children more than the rest of her children?  No, mothers love all their children with all their heart. 

Hubby was asked. 

Q- Why do you let your wife cheat on you?

A- When you are open and honest with your partners, it is not cheating.  I suspect so many people cheat in their marriages, but hide it very well.  I can say I know of many instances, but I don't like to go "there" because it is not my problem.  I feel better knowing what is going on and why.  That is when communication is so important.

I would like to expand on this later. I know lately I had a thought about this, and now I don’t remember it.

P.S.  I have been married now 14 years 11.5 months. And I have been with my "other" 3 years, but we have been very close for 17 years.  So it's not a fad, it isn't a passing fling.  

Housework

I was sitting on the bed yesterday, surrounded by a pile of clean laundry. I realized that nobody could have prepared me for this.

Being a wife seemed so confusing to me when I was growing up. My mom told me that having a man in my life when I grew up should be optional. I should marry someone because I want to, not because I have to.

I realized that I should make my own life and prepare myself, independently of finding someone to share my life with. Finding someone was totally unrelated.

I was 8 when I started to show interest in cooking. Not because my aunts kept saying it was the way to a man’s heart, but because I loved cooking. My mom got me my first cookbook back then, and allowed me to experiment with recipes. I just love to see people eat the food I cook and love it. Their smiles make it wonderful.

Well, I lost my mom when I was 11, so I didn’t get a chance to figure much else out.

When I was 18, I was not in the mindset of becoming a wife.. ever.

I did admire the”wives” I had seen so far. I started with the ones on TV. I loved watching I love Lucy, The Brady Bunch, and Leave it to Beaver. I figured that if I ever became a wife, I should be like them.

Life took turns and turns, and the first time I married, I made a mistake. I married to make someone happy, someone that was not me. When I realized it wasn’t going to work out, I decided to work harder for it. Nothing changed, try as I might, it didn’t improve. It takes 2 to make it work! My “Other” half wasn’t doing his part, he was in fact, dead weight.

Now I am married again, and have been married now for 15 years in 15 days. (Which seems weird to say out loud)

I never became the wife I imagined. I am still the one who will never fit in.

I don’t think I act my age, I feel like I am in my twenties (in regards to the house) I am still disorganized and the house is usually messy. It is messy because we live here. I clean and clean and it gets dirty again. Cleaning seems an exercise in futility. I have 5 cats one dog, a bunny and fish. Fish are cool.. the rest, they poop.. a lot.

I love all my pets, but with them, comes more cleaning; and yes they are worth it. Then comes the kitchen. I love cooking! I clean the kitchen cook, and there is a whole new mess. I am never going to have a perfect home; I am never going to be one of the beautiful wives that walk down the aisles of the grocery stores in pretty dresses and high heels. If I am wearing high heels and a dress in a store, I am running through like a mad woman looking for something I forgot to get, 15 minutes before a Holiday dinner (usually cranberries or bread).

I was not prepared for this! And still I don’t seem to be. I work with what I have; I have come to accept that I am a goof ball, but still want to improve.

I am the nut who turns up Disturbed on my speakers, cleaning the bathroom naked so I don’t get more clothes dirty or stained. I dance around in my panties and an apron while baking.

I sometimes still wish I could be normal for one day; just to try it out. I am not sure how that would go; I think I would get depressed.

Marriage is not easy. Sadly many people now days end theirs when they don’t get their way. Marriage is between 2 people (wish there was a way to have more than one there). Anyway, It is a give and take situation. Two people who need to communicate even when they are not up to it. Two people sharing a life, a home, and most everything else. (Excluding underwear, maybe).

Nobody prepared us for dealing with life, much less dealing with it with another person. We are in the same boat now, and must row in the same general direction. If we don’t we should compromise and adjust sails.

The problem is that it looks so easy and fun. Society has made it so we are conditioned to aspire to find a partner and live happily ever after. There are signs everywhere, and add to that the barrage of dating site ads and Viagra commercials.

I am not even going to touch on women’s rights. We are now allowed to work in any job men can work. What does that mean? It means that we work, and after work, we come home to clean, cook and do laundry. We end up so exhausted at night, and then hubby wants to get frisky. When you hide, he feels hurt and starts avoiding you.

How am I going to win at this game?